Comfort in Grief

Since my son left for Australia with his family I have come to know several people who have been left behind by their children. All of us are grieving. Some of them are quite brave, others are very stoical. It is interesting to note the difference in those that are Christian, and those who do not know God. We are all heart broken, but the Christian has joy in his suffering. It’s a joy that comes from the comfort and hope that God gives to those that love him.

The Bible says: “We can rejoice in suffering“(Rom5:2-5) Not because we are gluttons for punishment, but because the suffering causes our characters to mature and make changes in our lives that can enrich us.
Grief is a confusing and disorienting process that takes time. It is good to learn to trust God to guide us through the way.

It is good to remember that there are some things that we can never lose:

God’s understanding. God understands our hurt. He knows the loss of relationship caused by sin. He was separated from his son, Jesus while he hung on the cross.
God’s love. Rom 5:8 “God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”
God’s presence. Heb 13:5 “I will never leave you or forsake you”
Ask the lord to help you accept the reality of your loss and to rejoice in what you cannot lose.

Out of the Slough!

You guessed it. I have been wallowing in the Slough of Despond. It lasted some days. I couldn’t move. I wasn’t interested in doing anything, but at the same time there was this sense of panic because nothing was being done. I couldn’t help myself.
But a few days ago I woke up and it was gone. I was free, thank God.
I have started the Great Annual Spring clean and Makeover. But first, I had to catch up in the office. The bookkeeping and banking is up to date. The in-tray is empty. And now I’m doing the cupboards and drawers and filing cabinets. There are boxes everywhere –things collected over the past year, books, clothing, toys, cd’s and DVD’s , stationery etc. Amazing how much one can collect in a short year. All of these boxes will go to a needy charity like TAFTA, the SPCA and I Care.
I couldn’t help thinking how good God is to us. I have so much. All we need is shelter, food and clothing, but he has blessed us with untold riches. Besides these boxes, we do support several charities, but it seems so little in comparison to what God has done for us.
Jesus told us while he was on earth that we would always have the poor with us, I wonder why?
Perhaps one of the reasons is so that we can have the opportunity to show love and kindness to others.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25

Sorting everything out did bring on all kinds of mixed emotions. My grandchildren’s drawings and little letters they had written to me brought on much tears. Finding their favourite toys and books was sad too. But then, there were happy memories as well. I confess that I could not bring myself to give away some of their things. I told myself I would keep them in the unlikely event a little child should come and visit. I thanked God for the special years that I had with them. How blessed was I!

The Slough of Despond

I think I must be in the ‘depression, listless’ stage of grieving.
I work for a small business where I run the general administration of the office and do the books. The in-tray is collapsing under the weight. Petty cash and accounts records are behind. The office is being run on the ‘management by crisis’ system.
Every year in January I do the Great Spring Clean and Makeover of the house and garden. It is March, and they are both sadly neglected.
I won’t bore you about my art, or the two books I’ve been working on. Things are just not happening here.
In the classic story of Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan the pilgrim and his friend land in the Slough of Despond. They are quite stuck in it for sometime.

In the dictionary a slough is a muddy swamp or ‘a situation characterised by lack of progress or activity‘.

Despondency is described as ‘become dejected and lose confidence’. That’s where I’ve been these last few weeks, in the Slough of Despond.

Each morning I get up with great enthusiasm to begin the tasks and tackle the backlog and then I think of the children far away and the next thing I know its five o’ clock in the evening and I realise nothing has actually been done. I’ve read a little, chatted to someone on the phone, skyped my son, and drunk copious quantities of tea. And so the days pass.
In the story, John Bunyan is telling us that the pilgrim, Christian, fell into the slough because he had taken his eyes off his goal, which was the wicker gate where he was heading.
I don’t think I’ve taken my eyes off my goal, which is to be with Christ in heaven one day. But I have some earthly goals that I need to re-instate - I just feel that it is all too much without all my dear children near me.
On consideration, I have a grand life. I love my job, which isn’t too taxing. I love my house and garden. I love my church and the people in it, and my art, and I’m excited about the books I’m working on. I need to get enthusiastic again. But how?

Grief and Loss

For a little while, I’m going to blog all the bits and pieces I have collected during my research on grief and loss. These have been really helpful to us. Understanding the process of grief and recognising the different emotions and stages in ourselves has been encouraging. I hope they will help others who read them.

Everyone suffers with some form of loss. No one is exempt. Everyone is dealing in loss in some form or another. Sooner or later, the things or people we love are taken from us. It hurts to say good-bye. The painful process of dealing with any loss is called grief. Grief is a normal and unavoidable part of life.

Loss brings us face to face with ourselves, with our enemy, and with our God. We like to think that we are really in control of our lives, but a loss exposes our vulnerability. The way we deal with loss can make us better or bitter.

We grieve because we were never designed to handle loss. When God first made Adam and Eve in his image, he made them with an innate capacity for enjoying a relationship with God and with other human beings. They never knew loss in any form. The bitter consequence of Adam’s sin was death - separation and loss of the cherished relationship with his Creator, and then the deterioration of relationships with others which followed.

Painful loss reminds us that this earth should never be the focus of our hopes. We are sojourners in a foreign land and we are not yet home. Grief over any loss can have a healthy effect if it brings us to God among the multitude of people who came to Jesus out of a need for comfort, rescue and blessing.

“Looking for that blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus.” Titus 2:13

Apologies

Oh Dear me. My son in Australia has read my blog and takes great exception to the fact that I said he did not approve of us as grandparents. He says that simply is not true. He thinks we were wonderful grandparents. I do apologise to him. I should have said they did not approve of some of the things we did, like spoiling the little ones, and allowing them to watch too much TV, and giving them too many sweets and treats to eat. And we are guilty of those things. And if they were here, we would do the same things again, we remain unrepentant, I’m afraid.

One month down the line....

I used to enjoy swimming in the sea. I loved to go further out from the beach and catch the bigger waves as they came in. Sometimes I would float over them, sometimes I would dive through them to the other side, and sometimes I would turn around and swim with them until they carried me speedily to shore. Once or twice my timing would be out and the wave would catch me, I was tossed and turned like a sock in the tumble drier until I was dumped unceremoniously on the shore, shaken and bruised with my hair and ears and swimming costume filled with sand.
That’s how I feel now. Only the wave isn’t water, its grief, and I just have to wait and allow myself to be washed onto the shore.
It has been a almost a month now since my son immigrated to Australia with his wife and children. I have been reading a lot about grief. I’ve learned some really helpful things. One of the most encouraging is that the process of grief can take months. It’s a relief because I was starting to wonder why I wasn’t getting over it, what was taking me so long. I also learned that one doesn’t get over grief, one gets through it. That made me think of the sea.
I also learned that we especially grieve the loss of cherished relationships. The more we have invested in the relationship, the greater will be the distress and pain of the separation. The depth of our grief is directly linked to the quality of the relationship with the individual or desired object we have lost. We were devoted to our son and his family, so of course, our suffering is great.
When he was on earth, Jesus knew grief. He wept when his friend Lazarus died. God grieves over his children who refuse to acknowledge him or what he has done for them.
When I first learned that my son was leaving, my first thought was, “I won’t be able to bear it, I will die” But that isn’t true at all. I have borne it. I haven’t died. God’s grace has been sufficient for me. In the month past, there have been times I have smiled, rejoiced, laughed, even. God is here, helping me, supporting me, comforting me, and best of all, teaching me.

Going Home

I had not been to church for three weeks because I was ill. It was wonderful to go yesterday. Like coming home from a long, far away journey. It was so good to see all my friends there. Yes, many of them had come to see me while I was sick, but it was so much nicer to be with them all there. And to sing and pray with them. To read God’s word and hear it explained with them and to talk about it afterwards was such a pleasure. And then to crown it all, we shared communion together. That is when we remember what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross, taking our sin upon Himself, not only so that we could have a right relationship with Him, but also with each other.
First, we read from Joshua 3 and 4: 1-24 where we are told about the time God parted the flooding river so that his people, thousands, upon thousands of them could walk across. He did it so we could know how powerful he is. It was a great miracle. A marvellous thing that God did. He had promised that he would take his people to a land he had for them, and nothing would keep him from his promise.
God wants us to remember the great things he did. He wants us to teach our children about it, because when we know what a great God we have, and what lengths he will go to in order to keep his promises to us, we will have the confidence to trust him in all situations and circumstances.
God has done many great things, but the greatest of all was when he came down to earth in the form of a man and died on the cross and then rose again to live forever. And he did this for just the same reason as before – to keep his promise to take his people to a land he has for them, and nothing will keep him from his promise.

Joshua 4:21 “He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.”

Friends in Need

2 Cor:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

Grieving as I have been, I have been thinking about all the bad times we have been through. Even in my morbid state of mind, I couldn’t help noticing the good things that came out of them. The lessons I learned of patience, and trusting in God in every situation.
They’re all in the past now. And as I look back, I can see how I was strengthened as a person, how my values were redefined and how my character grew into maturity. During those trials, my friends were always there too. Speaking words of comfort, loving me, holding my hand, supporting me.
In turn, when my friends went through trials not unlike mine, I could draw alongside them, knowing and understanding their pain and their needs.

Vacancy

Perhaps I should put an advertisement in the paper. “Grandparents available” There must be some little ones out there who need the love of grandparents. Perhaps there are some young folk who need the support from older folk. We have so much to give. I am just not sure where the advertisement should go. In the Pets column? Used goods for sale? Collectors items? Employment wanted?
We don’t have any good references either. Our son did not approve of us as grandparents. He thought we spoiled the children, and allowed them to watch too much TV, and gave them the wrong food.. He and his wife never took our advice for the children, and thought we had old fashioned ideas about nutrition, and medical matters and education.
We weren’t the best parents, but the proof is in the pudding, I say. Our own children are beautiful, healthy people, good citizens with fine morals. A parent couldn’t ask for more.

Lost and Found

When he was here on earth, Jesus told us a story about a man who had a hundred sheep. One of the sheep was lost, so the man left the ninety-nine to go and search for the lost sheep. In another story, he told of a woman who lost a coin and searched everywhere for it. Strange how we value those things which are lost to us. In yet another story, Jesus tells of a man who lost one of his sons, too. The young man had left his father and his home to live a ‘good’ life. When he came to his senses, having spent all his living he went home to his father, who was overjoyed to receive him again.
In these stories, Jesus was teaching us that we are lost to God, and he is longing for us to return to him. He will not rest until we do.
As Christians, (people who have been lost, but have returned to God,) it is our work here on earth to point the way to God to others who still haven’t found him.
Luke 15:10 “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Lucille

I remember a story I read from ancient history of a man called Jacob who held twelve sons. His second youngest son was taken from him, and we are told that Jacob could not be consoled. He had eleven other sons, but he could not be consoled. My only son has gone to live in Australia, and I feel just the way Jacob felt. I cannot be consoled. We have a beautiful daughter named Lucille who is living with us. I do not know how we would have coped without her. She is always cheerful, always chirpy, with these comical little actions which make one laugh through the tears in spite of oneself. Lucille has an extraordinary gift of being able to direct my attention to the cross of Jesus in every situation. On the cross, God gave his only Son to die for my sins, so that I could be reconciled to him and he could be my father. One day he will take me to be with him in glory. There I will be forever, along with all the people I love. In that place there will be no pain, or tears, and the bible tells us, no more sea. That means no more separation. My son will be with me again, for eternity.
Rev 21: 1-5 “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Here will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Still grieving......

Like most people our age, Noel and I’ve been through some bad times. Times where you couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Times that filled us with despair. Our only son with a life threatening disease, the death of loved ones, divorce, the ugly spectre of alcoholism, my daughter’s life threatening injuries from a car accident, my grandchild born with a serious heart defect, broken relationships and much, much more.

It’s a bad time now – the hardest, we think. We have lost our three precious little grandchildren. They have gone forever. No more wet little kisses, or hugs, or happy squeals of delight.
No, they are not dead, they are well and alive and happy living in another country. But they are gone from us forever. If we do see them again, they will have grown, as children do so quickly, they won’t know us, and we won’t know them.
Those who know something say that we are grieving, and that grieving has several stages – sadness, anger, disbelief, listlessness and depression. The stages come and go in any order and are sometimes repeated. It does help to know. Its true, too, that time does heal. We know this from our past experiences. So we’re just biding our time, spoiling ourselves and each other, taking it easy.

The Academy Awards

I watched the Oscar Academy Awards on TV last night. I always watch it. I am not sure why. I guess its the same sort of fascination as those motorists who stop to see the gory details of a motor accident. At best, I spent some two hours in which I hardly thought of my grandchildren at all. It was a welcome relief. I find the pomp and splendour of the grand ceremony with the beautiful ladies and the dashing gentlemen and their contrived efforts to perform their crowning acts to show sincere love and gratitude to the world at large very entertaining. The accolades and praise of the fellow actors towards the nominees, and the well rehearsed performances and acceptance speeches are deserving of their own awards. The trend this year, as in the last, was to defend and campaign for the rights of homosexuals and lesbians. In both seasons, the movies as well as the actors campaigning for these deviants received nominations and awards.
On a more positive note, I did notice that everyone, man or woman, old or young was careful to thank his or her parents and to pay tribute to them. It was rather touching.
I wondered this morning how the recipients of the awards felt today when they woke up and saw their much coveted, much strived for golden statuette – the Oscar. Their dreams have just been realised. There it was, everything they had worked and played and paid so hard for. How awfully small it must seem! I can almost understand, then, the drive to begin the long struggle all over again to win the next award and the recognition it brings. I wonder how many people remember last year’s winner?

As Christians, we also strive to win. But our prize is an everlasting one that will bring eternal glory. And we are certain that we will win, because Jesus Christ has conquered all on our behalf.

“Do you not know that in a race al the runners run, but only one gets the prize: Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” 1 Cor. 9:24-27

Christians live a double Life

1 Peter2:9
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 11 Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”
Christians live a double life. We have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and King, and owe him all our allegiance. He has another country indeed, another world, planned for us. He is busy building his kingdom right now. Sometimes, here on this earth, while we are with other Christians, or reading and studying his word the Bible, we get a foretaste of that kingdom, and there is no language for us to adequately describe the joy, the love, and the thrill we feel.
In the meantime, we have to live here on this earth, with all its ugliness and cruelty and disease, and death. Many of us have beloved family sharing our lives who don’t know anything about our Christian life, and who cannot comprehend what we are going on about. Of course, there is much to be happy about in this world, too, because God is so good He has given even those who hate him the best things of the world to enjoy. His Creation, little children, love for one another and much, much more.
But in the new world he is building which we are eagerly waiting and working for, the troubles and joys of this world will not be able to compare.
God’s word to us teaches about a place where there will be no more death, or crying, or disease, no more goodbyes or pain or sorrow. We will all have new healthy bodies, our loved ones around us, and best of all, we will see Jesus in all His risen glory.
Why then, must we stay here? Why the long wait? God created the first world in seven days. Why is it taking so long for him to build the new world?

2 Peter3:3
“First of all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires.” 4 They will say “Where is this ’coming’ he promised? Ever since our fathers died, everything goes on as it has since the beginning of creation: 5 But they deliberately forget that long ago by God’s word the heavens existed and the earth was formed out of water and by water. 6 By these waters also the world of that time was deluged and destroyed 7 By the same word the present heavens and earth are reserved for fire, being kept for the day of judgement and destruction of ungodly men. 8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance”.

A mountain too High?

I have had asthma for some 20 odd years now. The condition has steadily deteriorated and has now become COPD or COAD. Chronic Obstruction of the Airways Disease. One of the unpleasant symptoms of this disease is emphysema – which is scarring of the lung tissue, caused by excessive coughing. I find it difficult to breath on the best of days. It becomes especially difficult if I catch a cold, but apart from this, I lead a pretty normal, happy life, just slower and a little more sedentary than I would choose.
I caught a cold on the day my son left with his family to go and live in Australia. That was a Friday. By Sunday the cold had turned into a lung infection and I needed to see a doctor for antibiotics. (COAD causes a low immunity system)
On Wednesday the specialist put me into to hospital so that I could have steroids intravenously to open my lungs.
I am home now, having been given as much steroids as my little body could bear. If my condition deteriorates this weekend, I shall have to go back for another bout of steroids.
When my son told me that he would be going to Perth to live, I thought that it would be something that I could not bear. It would be a mountain I could not climb.
I can’t help fearing, with this latest setback in my health, if that isn’t proving true. Is it possible that my poor weak mind and my broken heart are making me ill? If so, how can I make myself stronger? Is there a way to grieve that does not affect one’s health?

God is in control

Habakkuk is basically a recording of a conversation between the prophet and God. Habakkuk is complaining because God doesn’t seem to care about what is happening in his country. The crime and injustice is rife. If God is in control, why doesn’t He do something? In fact in chapter1:12, Habakkuk’s second complaint is that God himself has appointed his wicked government to execute justice – and they’re failing.
God does answer Habakkuk. He says he has seen the awful goings-on, he is doing something. He is raising a force from Babylon to overrun Israel, an army of terror and fierceness not seen before. This army will severely punish Israel’s leaders for their injustice. History tells us that this did indeed happen and that the Israel was completely destroyed by the Babylonians.
God is always in control. Perhaps something like this happened in the history of our own country. During the Apartheid government I know that many people, like Habakkuk, and including myself, were crying out to God about the many terrible injustices suffered by the people. God answered our prayers and that government was removed, and thanks to God’s great mercy, in a very peaceful way. God is surely in control now, and as Christians we have complete confidence in His wisdom and power for His plans in our government today. We are not afraid, and do not need to run away.

This awful South African situation

I was reading the writings of Habakkuk who was a prophet in Israel hundreds of years ago. He was complaining about the ruling government in his country, and wondering why God wasn’t doing anything about it. The complaints looked very similar to many that I have heard today in our own government here in South Africa. What is God doing about it? Doesn’t He care?

3 Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds.
4 Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.

It never really bothered me before. I am one of the privileged few here. I have employment, my own house, and more than enough money. But one of the reasons my son and his family went to Australia, is because of our corrupt government and their mismanagement. So now I am concerned. Our governments shortcomings have impacted on me, personally. I need to know what God thinks, and what He is going to do about it. More about this tomorrow.

What's it all about?

I read a story in the Bible about a couple called Elimelech and Naomi. They had two little boys and lived a long time ago in a country called Israel. Israel was called the promised land because God had led the Israelites there to become a great nation, and to be His special people under His rule.
But there was a great famine in the land, and Elimelech and Naomi decided to emigrate to the neighbouring country of Moab. It was sad that they had to leave Israel, to leave God’s people and go to a country which did not know God. They had to leave their parents too. But it was a good decision. They had their two boys and their future to consider.
The bible doesn’t say it, but they must have had a good life there. They boys grew up and married there. But then I read that both Elimelech and his sons died. Naomi decided to go home to Israel. Ruth, her daughter-in-law went with her.
Such a tragic story. Elimelech’s parents never saw their son or grandchildren again. Naomi went home a sad, bitter widow.
Back in Israel again, Naomi and Ruth survived by gleaning corn. Ruth met the rich owner of a field where she was gleaning, and they were married. So the story ends happily enough.
I wondered at the point of it all.
It turns out that later Ruth became the grandmother of David, who was God’s chosen king for Israel. From the line of David, Jesus, the saviour of the world was born.
God, who knows and plans everything, had planned to use a young, Maobite girl to be the progenitor of His Christ, and so he allowed Elimelech and Naomi to emigrate to Moab.
My son Duane was a pastor in our church here in Durban. He has left God’s people and God’s place to go to Australia, where the people do not know God. It was a good decision, he had to consider the future of his children. I know that God has a plan for that family too.

Seven days ago my only son moved with his wife and three children to Australia, Perth.
Such a simple, matter-of-fact statement. So what? Thousands of families have emigrated from their own countries to seek a better life for themselves.
But this is my son. My grandchildren, my life, and I have been left behind like an empty shell.
What do Grandpa's and Grannies do without Grandchildren?
What shall I do now? What shall I think about? How shall I live?
Are there any other parents out there who have been left behind? What did you do? How did you cope?